So, you’ve officially sucked at Facebook, blown a fat one on Twitter and destroyed LinkedIn with your crappiness and you want to make the move to blogging.
Sucking at blogging, though, is pretty easy compared to all the others.
Don’t believe me? Well, then, but let’s dive in and get you on your way to blog sucking fame.
Step 1 – Choose a Stupid Name
Nothing sets you apart in the blogging universe like a good name for your blog; one that’s informative, unique and relatable while not being too long or vague. Then again, if you’re trying to suck at blogging, you’ll want to pick a super long, unrelated, generic title for your blog.
Something like www.ThereAreThingsOnTheInternetILikeAndWantToTalkAboutAndShowYouSometimes.com.
That’ll keep the masses away like a fart in an elevator.
Not only are specific, topic-related titles great for SEO and driving traffic to your site, they can also be easy to remember and act as an extension of your brand, which are all things that you don’t want, because you’re out to suck at this whole thing.
Step 2 – Bypass Design
Design is important, which is why you’re going to ignore it completely. A well-structured blog can lead people fluidly through your content and funnel readers to take actions that you deem beneficial like signing up for newsletters, buying things or hitting landing pages.
The best bet for you is to choose a blog template at random and just shove all your content in there willy nilly. Smart bloggers take an inordinate amount of time looking through blog themes and designs (affiliate link) to make sure that their content has a good looking home, but you don’t have time for that, there’s too much sucking to do.
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo this shit and move on.
Step 3 – Never Post
Great blogs have regularly-scheduled content. Suck blogs rarely to never post.
Regularly-scheduled can mean once a month, once a week, 7 times a week or anything in between as long as you’re consistent. Sucky blogs may post once a month or may post once a year, readers never know so they can never make them part of their routines, which is why sucky blogs stay sucky.
Also, another great way to suck at blogging is to continually say you’re going to post about a certain topic or follow up certain pieces and then never do.
We’re really rolling now!
Step 4 – Assume You’ve Got Traffic Coming To You
You’ve registered your domain and in your head you have a lot of good things to say, so people should naturally flock to you. Good bloggers spend a large portion of time building referral networks and publicizing their posts and content.
They bring in guest bloggers and offer posts to other outlets. Good bloggers, build links and get them from other trusted sources for SEO benefits.
You won’t be doing anything of the sort. Sucky bloggers write a post an expect everyone to come of their own fruition and them get pissed when traffic doesn’t come.
Be sure to check your Google Analytics daily and never advertise that you’re writing so you can be good and angry when talking to other “professionals” how crappy blogging is for business.
Step 5 – Don’t Plan Your Content
They’ll be no editorial calendars or post outlines for you. Your posts will be unstructured and without any coherent connecting line of thought. It’s those “good” bloggers that actually take the time to think about what and how they’re going to write.
They plan in advance, knowing the keywords that being people in and knowing the search volumes for those keywords during different times. Good bloggers plan posts around current events and write notes. They build outlines and understand the points they’re trying to make in each post.
Don’t worry about any of that. If you truly want to suck at this whole blogging thing, just sit down whenever the hell you feel like and prattle off 15 different points in no discernable order or pattern. Readers hate that.
If you’ve followed my steps here to the letter, you should be well on your way to truly sucking up your blog and making sure that no one on earth wants to read your shitty posts.
If, by some weird chance, you actually do want people to read your blog, you should probably avoid these tips and try to do the exact opposite of the advice given here today.